Runaways #13

Welcome to another exciting episode of Just How Badly Can They Screw Up RD's Favorite Comic?

With Runaways #13, Kathryn Immonen continues to bury some clever ideas under mounds of muddled dialogue and weak [and in some cases, conflicting - RD] characterization. Low points include:

1. Nico's spells: The witty phraseology of Nico's magic has long been a highlight of this series. Here, she casts three spells, and two of them were utterly wasted. "Crystal Light" made Klara's plants vanish, along with the debris of the house, but how? I didn't have the first clue what it was supposed to mean or accomplish. [All that came to mind was the nasty diet drink that comes in a powder that you add to your water so you can pretend you're being healthy when actually you're drinking cancer juice, but what does that have to do with mutant vines? - RD] "Mood ring" turned a cut on Hunter Stein's cheek into a lie detector (I think?), yet we never actually see Nico use that to test the man (more on that in a second). Kudos on "Abraham Lincoln" to create an instant log-cabin, though. THAT was good.

2. Klara: Remember how she was actually getting some page-time in the last two issues, even if most of that was a dubiously justified freak-out? Well, despite all the trouble she's caused, she gets exactly zero lines of dialogue here, and only one panel of any significance. She's calmed down, without any explanation. Apparently all it took was a sammich and a juice box. Oh kids, such simple creatures, no matter what century they're from.

[THIS was one of my biggest problems. Klara's freakout was such a huge deal in the first issue of this storyline - I thought FOR SURE we would get some major characterization and possibly some post-traumatic counseling for the poor girl. Turns out it was a momentary dramatic lapse in sanity and Karolina has taken care of it (because even with Nico back in take-charge mode, something as deep as an emotional breakdown is Just! Too! Much! for the "leader" to deal with, OMG don't even get me started on the utter shite Immonnen is doing to Nico's characterization and how badly I wanted to PUNCH HER FACE when she... okay, I'll stop). - RD]

3. Hunter Stein: So Chase is sure he accidentally killed his uncle, and insists the Runaways can't trust the man claiming to be Hunter Stein. Fine. So why doesn't anyone bother to follow this up, to ask Hunter point-blank about his "death"? Wouldn't that be the first thing you'd do in this situation? Instead, the Runaways ignore him - endangering themselves in the process - until they can put him to work. The plot is kept moving at the expense of any semblance of character logic, and it knocks me right out of the story. To make matters worse, Hunter devolves into a ridiculous plot bunny to reveal all the wondrous inventions hidden away in the Runaways' own home that the teens have heretofore failed to discover. Hunter goes so far as to accuse the Runaways of being the "least curious group of kids" he's ever seen. Exsqueeze me? We're talking about the kids who discovered their parents were super villains, dug up a whole bunch of said parents' hidden toys and magics, and used those tools to turn themselves into kick-a$$ superheroes. Is this writer seriously trying to tell me that these kids are lacking in imagination, just so her new character can become their spirit guide? Is she really trying to put a Magic Adult in the last comic that should ever need one?

4. Bard Reffrinse, Ur Doin It Wrong: Nico starts comparing Chase to Hamlet while accusing him of "uncle-cide", and Karolina replies, "But Hamlet doesn't actually kill his uncle, does he?" Umm, actually he did. With the stabbity stabbing. It may be said that I'm a little obsessed with my Shakespeare (teeny bit), so lines like this will bother me all out of proportion. If it was meant to suggest that the kids aren't all that classically educated (perhaps in keeping with the arc's title, "Homeschooling"), then that's a little too subtle for me. If the italics are meant to imply that Karolina is in fact referring to Chase rather than the original Hamlet (perhaps so Molly and Klara won't overhear the older girls discussing if their bud just ended a dude?), that too needs explication. Because otherwise I'm just gonna think somebody doesn't know their classic literature* and completely failed to GTS**.

There could be a fascinating plot fighting to get out here, there could even be some interesting takes on the characters, but Runaways is drowning in nonsensical, non-sequatorial characterizations and fuzzy dialogue. I'm just incredibly frustrated with this book right now.

[For the record, we could have gone on for pages about the total suckitude of this issue, but mostly I just want to say SERIOUSLY KATHRYN IMMONEN PLEASE STOP. YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY ABOUT THESE CHARACTERS. IF YOU DO NOT SHAPE UP, I WILL STRIKE YOUR STORYLINE FROM THE RECORD. - RD]

- JC

* Which is fine. Not everyone's college degree is as awesome, useful, and lucrative as my B.A. in English Literature.
** And that's just sad.

Spider-Man and the Human Torch

Spider-Man and the Human Torch collects Dan Slott's five part miniseries from 2005, with five separate stories of team-ups between the webhead and the hothead. It chronicles the evolution of a friendship through the years - from the squabbling teens of the 1960s to something close to brothers in the pre-reboot 2000s. Each issue evokes a different era of Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four, marked by changes in their supporting casts, yet the tone rarely strays from pure wacky fun. With one impressive exception.

The collection includes the most poignant tale you will ever read about the most useless super-conveyance in the annals of comicdom: The Spider-Mobile. The real story of why a guy who can swing from a web with the greatest of ease needs a frickin' car is seriously and unexpectedly beautiful, and worth the price of the book all on its own.

Equally worthy of a shout-out is the tome's final issue, a little too talky to be succinctly summarized here, but a great summation of the contrast and the bond between the two titular heroes. From a 2009 standpoint, it serves to reinforce the tragedy of Spider-Man's "Brand New Day" reboot. Not only has Spider-Man lost the life he'd built with Mary Jane (a life that made him the envy of rockstar superhero Johnny Storm), but in forcing the world to forget his secret identity, he's diminished some fantastic friendships (pun intended).

Some may think Spider-Man works best as a tragic loner, but I don't buy it. He's worked hard to forge these relationships, through 40+ years of funny books, and he deserves to enjoy them in full.

And if that weren't enough, Slott even finds a way to incorporate these classic Hostess ads into canon. If that ain't great comics, then I don't know what is.

- JC

Uncanny X-Men First Class #2

In Uncanny X-Men First Class #2 (Scott Gray) Nightcrawler's Exciting Adventure With the Inhumans comes to a promising if not 100% satisfying conclusion.

Here, Nightcrawler (Kurt Wagner) is put on trial for his interference with the Terrigenesis ritual, whereby human-like Inhuman children are physically mutated and granted super-powers. He makes an impassioned argument that the children are "perfect from birth," and it is wrong for their elders to enforce mutation on them at such an early age. He goes so far as to evoke "another society" with a genetic superiority/inferiority complex--but I'll allow both Nightcrawler and Scott Gray a pass on Godwin's Law as the former is himself German. It's logical, and perhaps even important, for the spectre of Nazism to haunt a German mutant. (And suddenly I'm wondering if anyone ever wrote a scene wherein Nightcrawler and Magneto get into an intense debate/discussion about WWII Germany. I find it hard to imagine Chris Claremont missing out on that idea, but I'm not sure I've yet come across it myself.)

"I know your traditions span centuries," Nightcrawler says, summing up his case, "But a healthy society should always have the capacity for change... I find it tragic that, in a culture where no two beings are alike, you should demand such conformity."

It's a wonderfully eloquent argument, and a bit of a pleasant surprise. After Nightcrawler's swashbuckling antics last issue, I was afraid his very good questions about the Inhuman lifestyle would be brushed aside--that pat statements would be made about judging other people's cultures from the outside, and Kurt would end up apologizing for running off half-cocked. I was glad to see him given his dignity instead, and his arguments given some weight.

If only some. Inevitably the other X-Men show up in Attilan, Nightcrawler's trial is cut short, and a big honking mutant vs. Inhuman fight ensues. In the middle of this, Nightcrawler is confronted by the Inhuman Karnak, who says he was never subjected to the Terrigen mists, and assures Kurt that he is no less valued by his people because of this fact. This may be the start of a decent rebuttal to Kurt's concerns, but sadly the argument never gets pursued any further.

Then again, perhaps the beginnings of a great debate are the most that can be asked of a title set in the Marvel universe's past. Props to Mr. Gray for getting these questions out there, and here's hoping that future writers of the Inhumans pick up that gauntlet.

I'd still like to see more jokes and wacky banter in Uncanny First Class, though. (As much as I've enjoyed the Wolverine-kicked-over-the-horizon gag.)

- JC

Fantastic Four: Dark Reign #5

A few months ago I raved about the first issue of Jonathan Hickman's Fantastic Four: Dark Reign miniseries. I've kept quiet about the issues since, because I kept waiting for Hickman to pull a plot out of his hat and make good on that early promise. Instead, we got three issues of alternate reality silliness that went nowhere (doesn't Sue make a sexy gunslinger? Doesn't Sue make a bad-@$$ World War 2 commando? Oh look, it's the ever-so-merry Elizabethan FF*!), and now the series has wrapped with little more than a tease for Hickman's upcoming run on the regular Fantastic Four title.

Reed returns from his interdimensional jaunt. He lies to his wife about dismantling the machine that just endangered his family's lives. (How does the "smartest man" in the Marvel universe keep forgetting what a bonehead move that always is?) Norman Osborn backs off from the Baxter Building after the Richards' son Franklin shoots Norman in the shoulder with a pop-gun. How's that work? Never explained. And we get a glimpse of shadowy beings waiting between dimensions, promising to help Reed in his ambiguous quest to "solve everything." Which is also apparently the title of Hickman's first regular FF story.

Oh, and Reed has become convinced that the only thing that could have saved the world from the consequences of the Marvel's Civil War, Secret Invasion, etc. would have been if he had faced these problems alone. If he's wrong, it's hubris worthy of a Greek tragedy. Yet so far we've seen nothing to contradict Reed's supposition, and I'm more afraid that Hickman really does intend for Reed to be that unique. It's an utterly implausible conceit: in a multiverse of infinite** possibilities, we're to believe Reed Richards is the only man capable of saving the Earth from Skrulls and itself? Did Reed's Reality Bridge transport this series into the DC Universe by mistake?

Perhaps the story of the Bridge was doomed*** from the start. Perhaps the reason no one has explored alternate-reality problem solving in 40+ years of Fantastic comics is because there's no satisfying place for that story to go. Even if Reed discovers some great solution to the world's dilemmas, can we truly appreciate a resolution the hero never personally had to fight for? Or maybe this story has barely begun, and Hickman will wow us yet. But that still won't excuse these 4 out of 5 issues of FF: Dark Reign in which nothing really happened.

Marvel, please. If you've got a story that's at least passably self-contained, go ahead and make it a mini-series. If an arc is just the beginning of a longer epic, I'm cool with that too, just put it in the main title from the start. Is that so much to ask?

- JC

* No relation to 1602's Four from the Fantastick
**That word still means what I think it means, right?
**Not a pun, the Doc's not even in this story - unless his latest fiendish plot is just that cunning?